I don’t know who left this CD here. It’s a little morbid, and not at all like what I usually listen to. Tonight it just feels right though. As I set here and eat my spaghetti, and my second piece of garlic bread, no vamps to offend tonight, I just can’t seem to turn it off.
Well here I amaam
Don’t know how to say this
Only thing I knowoww is awkward silence
Your eye lids clooose when you’re around me
To shut me out
I find myself swaying back and forth to the music in my living room holding my body. I guess I’ve been lonely lately. I rescinded the invitation of every vampire I know, and they haven’t been banging the door down to get back in. I haven’t seen Tara since Club Dead. I’ve never been a big hit with human guys, and Alcide hasn’t been by since he dropped off my suitcase. I guess that puts me back to normal. I haven’t felt normal since the night before Bill Compton almost got drained. Well that’s a lie, I’ve never felt normal, but that’s the last time I felt normal for me. Maybe that’s why this CD is such good company. I’m a little freakish myself. As the music gets harder, I free my arms and start to swing my head. My loose hair is imitating the motions of my body. It’s strangely freeing.
I’ll make my way across the frozen sea
Beyond the blank horizon
Where I can forget “you an me” and get a decent night’s sleep
Watching her gyrating in her pajamas is enough to make my lifeless heart pound.
I have failed. I failed the queen, I failed myself, and most importantly I failed Sookie. I never thought I would love a human woman. I thought the entire premise of the queen’s plot to secure the telepath ridiculous. Then she saved me. She is so different from other women. I don’t know what she’s done to me, but I cannot let go.
I saw it in her eyes in Jackson. She is no longer mine. She may have never truly been. She finds comfort in my familiarity, not in me. She no longer burns for me. I know who is stoking her fire now. I knew the day would come. It was obvious from the first time they laid eyes on one another. They share a common spirit. I cannot match that. I cannot even try.
I do love her. As much a vampire can love.
I want to protect her. I want to lie with her. I want her to be mine.
She wants none of that. She wants to be rid of me and all I have brought down on her. I complicated her life. I knew I would the day I left New Orleans. I didn’t care then. Maybe
I should tell her what brought me here?
I want to take her away from all of this. When the queen decides to annex her, we won’t be able to protect her. We both will try. Our attempts will be futile. She will become another of Sophie Ann’s assets. She may show her mercy, and allow her some freedom. She will have to heel. That will be very difficult for her. She will be broken. I can’t let her know that I had a hand in that. She will blame me regardless, for introducing her into the underworld to being with. If she knows that I am directly responsible, she will never forgive me. I cannot allow that. She would never understand.
She is too much to observe now. She will not listen to me. Her upbringing may dictate that she be courteous, but she will not truly listen to my words. She will believe what she wishes. It is still too fresh for her. For us.
It is like an open wound. I have to heal before I try to win her favor again. In my heart of hearts, I know where her favor truly lies. Maybe I can sway her before she realizes. For now I must go.