Friday, January 9, 2009

Thinking is Sooooo Bad

Have you ever had something with someone that was so intense you knew it was no good for you, but you were helpless to try to get away? I did. Saw him when I was in sixth fucking grade, I know how lame is that? His eyes were so blue, and he was so tall. I could look past his long curly hair and see that he was wow. From that day on (eventhough I had a boyfriednd) I looked for him everywhere I went. That summer I almost forgot about him. Seeing as how we had never spoken, exchanged a few smiles but never words, I thought it was silly to not let go. He would be in high school this year, and I just in seventh grade. (Oh I should mention the school I attended was two middle school and a high school combined in one building but treated as seprate entities) Well that next October, some stupid girl ruined my clothes and I found myself waiting outside to be picked up in my gym uniform, and who should come to sit next to me on the wall? Mr. Blue Eyes himself, as I live an breathe. High school had just let out and instead of catching his bus, he sat on that wall with me and waited an entire hour until my mom showed up. He said it was dangerous for a young girl as beautiful as me to set out there all alone with dirty adolescent boys roaming all around her. They are only intreseted in one thing he said and winked at me. I should have told him to go home, that I could handel myself. I didn't. He got my number, my mom drove him home, and that was the end of my life as I knew it. He didn't tell me that day that he had a girlfriend, and didn't bother to tell me at any time during the next month when he would wait for me after high school let out and ride my bus home with me at least twice a week. She must have figured out something was up, even if we never crossed paths, her boyfriend suddenly dropping off the radar likley tipped her off. Well the first Saturday in December, he shows up at my house at like 7:30 in the morning. He said he had tried to call me non stop the night before, but couldn' t get through. (This was before i had e-mail, cell phone, im) and that was true, I had taken my phone off the hook so another guy wouldn't bother me. He laid down in my bed and told me all about her. How they started dating in the sixth grade, and just stayed together, how he had been all about her until he saw me sitting on that wall. He said he remebered seeing me the year before and always thought I was pretty, but until he saw sitting there all alone he never saw me for what I truly was. He said he was sorry for not telling me about her, but he didn't know what to do. He didn't know me that well at first and he didn't know he was going to like me as much as he did. He said soon I became all he thought about. So last night, he told her everything and broke up with her. He said that now I knew everything too. And then he kissed me, morning breath and all. My mom had let him in on her way out the door (she trusted me) and we were all alone and we laid in my bed kissing and talking for hours. When I finally got up he was a perfect gentleman when I took my shower. He stayed with me all day and by the time he went home at 11:00 that night (my mom drove him) I was his girlfriend. For another two years, we couldn't get enough of each other. One he started driving, we were together all the time. He drove me home everyday and came over every weekend. We did so many things. I still to this day have more in common with him than anyone else I have ever met. Once again, in December (about two months after he got his liscence) the old girlfriend popped back up. She wanted him back, and just like that the honeymoon was over. By then I was in high school with him, and we even had a few classes together. I knew they were talking and like an IDIOT I said he could spend time with her and reform a friendship. She had been such a big part of his life and our relationship was so solid I didn't need to worry, he said. What fucking ever. Well as you can guess, she wanted more than just friendship and now Mr. Blue Eyes and Me, became pretty off and on. The first time was all me, I went into a jealous fit over them working on an art project together (he even said I could supervise if I wanted ha I was so dumb) broke up with him and sent him straight into her arms. I of course retaliated and dated another guy, a couple moths later he calls me on Valentine's Day appoligizes and we get back together. Well up until now, we had fooled around but no sex. I had issues with sex to begin with, plus I was only 14 and he is almost 6' 6" and proportionate. Well the ex. didn't have my issues, and while we were apart he had goten some. Needless to say, for a 16 year old boy, especially one allowed so much alone time with his girlfried, that became a problem. After five more months, he realized I wasn't going to put out and by summer, we were apart again. I went to summer school and ended up dating a guy I used to know that was in the same class, but always thinking about Blue Eyes. Blue Eyes got back with his ex, and basically spent the whole summer fucking her and trying to talk/hang out with me. I mostly ignored him, but it was really difficult. Once school started back up, we were in another few classes together, and I couldn't ignore him anymore. We fell back into old habbits, and ended up together again. For reasons to remain unsaid I had given it up for summer guy, so now of course I gave it up for Blue Eyes too, foolishly thinking it would solve all our problems. My Sophmore year was a really good one for us. He worked a lot, so we didn't see as much of each other, but I had lots of friends, so I didn't get lonely. The time we spent together was amazing, and still some of my fondest memories. He was really romantic. And silly. And we loved to do the same things. We had so much fun. He had started to skip school habitually to work, and that made us fight but we got through it. He ended up not graduating. He stuck around for year five and it started off good, until his ex started showing up at his house. She did graduate, and had a job nearby. We broke up and got back together I don't know how many times until I got fed up in October and broke it off for good. We had our last class together and he stopped attending it first. Eventually he dropped out. My mom died on Valentine's day that year and I had to move to the city. The person I moved in with was NUTS and gave me the same rules as her kids in elementary school. I had serious boyfriend by then, and he stuck by me through everything. He was very sweet and supportive, but the spark was not the same. We mostly stayed together until I graduated high school. He proposed to me, I freaked out, and moved to Florida. I broke his heart big time, he was eight years older than me, and I just wasn't ready. Soon after I moved to FL, I met a great guy (in October 2003 now) and we started dating. He was the first guy I had ever been with, that I wasn't always thinking of Blue Eyes, infact I wasn't thinking of Blue Eyes at all. Grated me and FL Guy don't have the same things in common lile Blue and I did, but we could talk about ANYTHING and we had very similar political beliefs. Well long story short we got married four months after we met and ta-da he I am five years later and we are still married. We have had some issue. Main one being soon after we got married for medical reason I BLEW UP from a size 2 to a 26. I am still fighting with that, and it is still a problem. I also admit that I spoil him, I do EVERTHING for him, something I have never done before. I love my husband, but he isn't always sure he loves me...but that a story for another day.
Any way, a few weeks ago, Blue Eyes got a hold of my e-mail. And we have been back and forth ever since. He is rehashing our entire lives. Telling me I have been on his mind almost a decade now, and he doesnt think I am going away. He said he called me hundreds of times when I was living in the city, but my cousin wouldnt let me talk. I believe him she did the same to all my other friends and my brother. He says he came to watch me play lacrosee once and when he asked a guy where I would be after the game was over, the guy laughed and told him to get in line. I believe that too, I played on the boys team and there was a running gag that there was a line to get to me all waiting patiently for me to dump my "loser boyfriend". He misses me. He thinks we should have been married. He says he doesn't care how big I am now, that isn't why he loves me. He says he loves me. I keep telling him the best he can hope for is friendship. I remind him I am a married woman. He has been talking to my girlfriends. He doesn't think my husband treats me right, he is convinced he could do better. All these e-mail are bringing back all the memories I thought I threw away when I moved 800miles south. Apparently I just repressed them because they are haunting me. All the old emotions came rushing back, and I find myself less willing to put up with my husbands bull shit. I know it is crazy, but a big part of me is SCREAMING give Blue another chance. I am so torn. It's so silly. I am married, I have a small child. I can't just uproot him run back to Maryland and give my high school flame another go. I tell myself this over and over everynight, who am I kidding all the time. I can't get Blue out of my mind. It's 6th grade all over again. I don't know what to do, everytime my husband is a ass (and that is plenty) and everytime my son does something my husband does that he shouldn't (like tell me it's my job to clean up his toys) it becomes that much more difficult to talk myself out of it. I am supposed to go to Maryland for my best friends wedding in March, but now I am terrified. If my husband doesn't go, I don't know what I will do if I see Blue. I have NEVER EVER cheated and I don't want to start.

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